Everything and everyone irritates me. I don’t know when I became a curmudgeonly misanthrope but I’m quite sure I slapped the doctor when I was born because he irritated the stuffing out of me. Just in case you care, here are 40 personal bile-inducing triggers, in no particular order, and counting …
1) your un-neutered cats – on our roof at 2am, their fornicating racket coupled with their uncovered turds in our garden and the heady stench of cat pee in the garage. Classy.
2) your lack of foresight while driving – you knowingly picked the turning-only lane. I won’t let you in. Deal with it.
3) your constant need for favours – yes, it’s nice to do something nice for someone. Still waiting on a thank you. Or reciprocation.
4) your loud hooting – unless a small child or creature’s about to be offed by your car, I don’t give a toss that you’ve located your own house or the house you came to visit. Or are about to leave it at 3am, you moron.
5) your pity party – no one’s coming, so don’t throw them.
6) your loud ‘music’ – unless you’re a DJ and I’m dancing. Invest in headphones or show some consideration and turn that crap down. Includes karaoke. You’re not THAT good a singer and your tunes suck.
7) your movie chats – shove off if you can’t shut it during a movie. The rest of us came to watch it and listen. Same goes for your glowing iPad and cellphone screens. i know a dark hole where those could go.
8) your lack of a greeting – if I’m already in a room you’ve just entered, please feel free to greet. I apologise in advance if I don’t see or hear you.
9) your bullying – if that’s the only way you can get someone to listen to you, don’t expect me to treat you decently in return. And don’t even think about bullying anyone in my family.
10) your constantly yapping dogs – don’t put them in the front of your house, especially not on bin day because every homeless person with a trolley’s going to set off a cacophony of barking that will disturb me, not you. Because apparently you’re deaf. And too dumb to take care of an animal’s needs.
11) your chauvinistic driving – if I’m first at the lights and you’re first in the lane next to me, don’t even think about racing ahead and cutting in front of me. Unless you’re in a V12, a cop car or a fire engine.
12) your open-mouthed sneezing, coughing, yawning & burping – you should’ve been taught how to do that properly from the age of three. How thick ARE you?
13) your lack of manners – chew quietly, and don’t talk to me with your mouth full. Say please and thank you, especially after a kindness. Don’t interrupt me with work while I’m having lunch, and ask before you take or use anything that belongs to me. And DO NOT kick the back of my seat. EVER.
14) your ugly ways – I don’t care how good-looking, well-groomed or gifted you are, if you’re a nasty person, shove off.
15) your arrogance – minus the talent, hard work, ethics or knowledge. Based purely on others blowing hot air up your asphalt. Bub-bye.
16) your laziness – clean up your own mess: especially after you’ve ‘made potty’, produce you’ve knocked off a supermarket shelf, wash your dirty dishes, clean your crusty cheese off the sandwich press and chuck your rotting food in the work fridge, ok? And DO fill the copier with paper when it runs out after your 100-page document has printed, thank you.
17) your lying – i can smell BS a mile off, so don’t even waste your breath. And your fake smile? I’d rather have a dirty look than that. Please stick it where the sun don’ shine.
18) your littering – includes live cigarette butts tossed over walls, you and your dog using public areas as toilets for all your body waste, illegal dumping, condoms/broken bottles in parks, and litter in the sea and on beaches. Oh, and those whose only contribution to the community they’re currently in, is to leave piles of trash in their wake, don’t expect any handouts from me.
19) your abuse and rape of babies – the greatest gift any human can have is a child. If you abuse that gift you deserve the absolute worst. Includes senseless killing of animals, children and innocent humans – at least make it a fair fight. You’re just a bully with a weapon.
20) your intolerance of gays and lesbians – if consenting adults are making a positive contribution to society they should be welcomed. Mind your own sexual business.
21) your time-wasting – time is money, so don’t waste mine.
22) your spitting when you talk – swallow first FFS. Or get new dentures.
23) your prejudice – just assume that everybody’s an a-hole sometimes and treat all people as they deserve. You’re no better than that special needs person, the albino and the one with a huge birthmark or acne on their face. Show some breeding, dammit.
24) your cigarette smoke – enjoy your cancer stick, but do so in private. I find farting and hocking loogies quite a release, but I choose not to do so in public because I’m not a thoughtless turd. BTW stop smoking in cars with kids or with a baby on your lap, they didn’t ask to be born to imbeciles.
25) your catcalls, lewd comments and eyeballing me from behind – my Beloved pays me genuine compliments regularly, so I don’t need any validation from you and your buddies, thanks.
26) your snubbing – includes not RSVP-ing or RSVP-ing then not pitching, and not bothering to respond to emails or work produced.
27) your shite parking – straighten up, jerk. If i wanted to climb into my car via the roof, I’d be made of plastic and have a boyfriend with no genitalia, called Ken.
28) your noisy gatherings – if you HAVE to bring the party outside, at least offer the neighbours good booze or braai meat and make sure your loud, drunken goodbyes are mildly entertaining.
29) your ageist remarks – the fact that I have leather belts older than you doesn’t automatically make you more valuable. So grow up. We might even learn something from each other.
30) your verbal diarrhoea – no person should speak longer than 10 minutes at a time without allowing the audience to interject or at least take a pee break. Includes meetings, priests’s sermons, conversations with mothers and the reprimanding of a child. If you haven’t made your point after 10 minutes, expect activation of ‘screensaver face’ in the other person until you stop.
31) your PDA – if and when I want to see that kind of tongue action on strangers, I will tune into a lame late night eTV film or Youtube it. So stick your own private I’d-a-ho where it belongs. That includes TMI on social media and your soft porn memes.
32) your food-shaming – if i feel like a carb starter, carb main, and a carb dessert, washed down with a gallon of carb-y milkshake, please feel free to enjoy a warm cup of shut-the-fu- on me.
33) your body shaming – no body shape is more superior than the other but pardon me for having a mild case of schadenfreude when you come down with bubonic plague at the hint of a stranger’s sneeze while my kick-ass body keeps going strong. And yes I have a mirror, and noticed I’m not the same size I was when I was 12.
34) your FOBI (fear of being ignored) – if you don’t social-mediarise your fab abs/baby/dog/partner or the tree that fell while you were walking the Appalachian Trail, did it make a sound?
35) your plagiarism – acknowledge when you’ve ‘borrowed’ designs, words or concepts from someone else. They might even be flattered you cared to copy them.
36) your revving motorbike/car – if the engine needs to be revved that violently just to keep ticking over, shouldn’t you be taking the bus instead, knobbo?
37) your space invasion – if I wanted my nether regions to be assaulted by your breath, breasts, crotch, trolley or toddler whilst at the till I think we should first go out for dinner and a movie, no? Otherwise, please. Just. Don’t.
38) your bratty child – do your parental duty. If my child can behave in public, so can yours.
39) your shuffling – please pick up your feet when you walk. I’m no lightweight, but I glide like a frickin’ wraith when i walk. Unless you’re over 70, then you’ve earned the right to be exhausted. Or you’re a zombie, then shuffle away.
40) your constant F-bombs – you have a right to drop them, and I have a right not to have to hear them peppering your pie hole. So shut up, learn sign language or earn an instant low IQ.