why it’s good for a girl to have brothers

my brothers and I

Girl, allow me to enlighten you if you have not yet cottoned on to the symbiosis of having a bro’. You may not think it now but believe me, it behoofs you to be the ‘only girl’ and to have a brother. Or three. And here’s why …

  1. You get to be the ‘pretty’ one.
  2. You get your own room.
  3. You learn how to cook, clean and keep house (because they were mostly lazy sods).
  4. You learn how to fight dirty.
  5. You grow a pair.
  6. You don’t cry like a girl when you feel physical pain.
  7. You use words sparingly and don’t tend to jabber.
  8. You always have someone who’s got your back.
  9. You grow a thick skin and aren’t vain because they like to tease you.
  10. You know how to use your wits and not your feminine wiles to get your own way.
  11. You don’t need validation from a man because your brothers already think you’re ‘the shit’.
  12. You have more friends because they all want to hook up with your brothers.
  13. You always have (three) experts on tap.
  14. When your dad dies, you’ll miss him terribly, but you only have to look at your brothers’ faces to see him again.
  15. You have help looking after your aged parent(s).
  16. After calling you ‘baby elephant’ throughout your childhood, you get the last laugh when they end up all paunchy.
  17. You learn revenge is a meal best served cold (sniggering quietly when your mother forced them to go out and buy you sanitary towels).
  18. You ‘paid it forward’ tenfold by pooing in the bath, with two of them in it, when you were two and vomiting viennas on their pillow (when you were scared and crept into their bed when your parents were out) aged 7.
  19. You had all the coolest music – your brothers DJ-ed as a hobby.
  20. It teaches you that blood is thicker than water.
  21. They’ll be brutally honest about your boyfriends (even though you won’t listen to them anyway).
  22. They’re highly entertaining.
  23. They take the spotlight off you because your parents are too busy noticing the dumbass things they do, to notice you.
  24. You’re not a ‘girly’ girl and don’t crave make-up, trips to the hairdresser, mani-pedis or fashion trends, thus saving you money!
  25. You can get by without relying on male flattery or attention.
  26. You don’t enjoy admiring yourself in every available reflective surface.
  27. You believe the worst about yourself so you never give up trying harder.
  28. There’s no insult you haven’t heard, so people have to find other ways to crush you.
  29. You know that when they pay you a compliment you are genuinely ‘the shit’.
  30. Nothing can gross you out about the male species. You’ve seen and heard it all.
  31. You realise that even when they’re grown up, they’ll always remain little boys.
  32. You know the way to a man’s heart is a meal cooked with love. Unless it’s a meal they hate, then they’ll insult the crap out of it until you cry.
  33. They like to feel needed. But not too much.
  34. You learn that men don’t like whining.
  35. You learn that asking them to do a thing more than once is classified as ‘nagging’.
  36. You don’t enjoy making a man cry by deliberately hurting him.
  37. Guys tend to treat you better or ‘my brother(s) will sort you out!’
  38. You’re not jealous they’re Mommy’s Boys because you’re forever Daddy’s Girl.
  39. There’s no other guy on the planet who’ll be able to infuriate and commiserate as much – they were there during your childhood after all.
  40. You’ll always have a date should you be stuck for a last-minute partner, but you could still hook up with that good-looking guy and not feel guilty.
  41. You learn that males need their space and their own man-cave in which to do (seemingly inane) ‘man’ stuff.
  42. You know that if you need to play games to keep a guy, he’s not meant for you. Men like things simple.
  43. They can’t ‘tell on you’ because you have more dirt on them than they have on you.
  44. You’re grateful you don’t have to shave your face every day.
  45. You learn to forgive and forget.
  46. You realise that girls have it harder and ‘easier’ than boys – but in order to get somewhere they need to work together.
  47. You’re grateful you were born a girl and don’t have issues with a penis.
  48. You can do ANYthing they can. AND wear a pants AND a skirt and not look like an idiot.
  49. You can be tough AND ladylike.
  50. You’ll never have a bigger male fan than a brother.

Jeremy and I

Dedicated to my brothers, but especially the eldest, Jeremy (16/09/63 – 02/02/13), who always flew too close to the sun …