Everything and everyone irritates me. I don’t know when I became a curmudgeonly misanthrope but I’m quite sure I slapped the doctor when I was born because he irritated the stuffing out of me. I haven’t met you yet, but here are 40 things I hate about you, because 10 was too little…

 

DRIVING

1. lack of foresight – you knowingly picked the turning-only lane. I won’t let you in. Deal with it.
2. loud hooting – unless a small child or creature’s about to be offed by your car, nobody cares that you’re celebrating finding/leaving your house or spotting a prospective passenger on the pavement.
3. chauvinism – if I’m first at the lights and you’re first in the lane next to me, don’t even think about racing ahead and cutting in front of me. Unless you’re driving a V12, cop car or fire engine.
4. shite parking – straighten up! If i wanted to climb into my car via the roof, I’d be made of plastic and have a boyfriend called Ken.
5. revving motorbike/car – if the engine needs to be revved that violently just to keep ticking over, shouldn’t you be taking public transport instead?
6. idling – if it takes you four minutes to move your car out of your driveway, are you even competent enough to drive? Whatever happened to switching off your car when you arrived at your destination, instead of leaving it idling while you chat? I must be abnormal because I switch on my car and either stay or go – taking less than a minute.

 

PETS

1. un-neutered cats – on our roof at 2am, their fornicating, fighting, uncovered turds, and the heady stench of cat pee on our property. Classy.
2. yapping dogs – don’t put them in the front of your house, especially not on bin day because every homeless person with a trolley’s going to set off a cacophony of barking that will disturb me, not you, because apparently you’re deaf. And too dumb to take care of an animal by walking it or checking why it’s barking constantly.

 

KIDS

1. bratty child – do your parental duty. If I can teach my child to behave decently, so can you. Vasectomies and condoms should be compulsory for most humans.

 

ETIQUETTE

1. loud ‘music’ – unless you’re a DJ and I’m dancing, invest in headphones or turn that crap down. Includes home karaoke. You’re not THAT good a singer.
2. movie chats – shove off if you can’t shut it during a movie, because the rest of us came to watch and listen. Same goes for your glowing iPad and cellphone screens. I know a dark hole where those could go.
3. lack of manners – chew quietly, and don’t talk to me with your mouth full. Say please and thank you, especially after a kindness. Sneeze/cough/yawn/burp/eat with your mouth closed, and don’t interrupt me with work while I’m having lunch. Ask before you take or use anything that belongs to me, and DO NOT kick the back of my seat. EVER.
4. spitting when you talk – swallow first FFS. Or get new dentures.
5. catcalls, lewd comments and eyeballing me from behind – my Beloved pays me genuine compliments regularly, so I don’t need any validation from you and your buddies, thanks.
6. snubbing – includes not RSVP-ing or RSVP-ing then not pitching, and not responding to emails or work produced.
7. PDA – if and when I want to see that kind of tongue action on strangers, I will choose an SNLV movie or Youtube it. So stick your own private I’d-a-ho where it belongs. That includes TMI on social media and soft porn memes.
8. space invasion – if I wanted my nether regions to be assaulted by your breath, breasts, crotch, trolley or toddler whilst at the till I think we should first go out for dinner and a movie.
9. constant F-bombs – you have a right to drop them, and I have a right not to have to hear them. So shut up, learn sign language, some new vocabulary, or earn an instant low IQ (unless you’re Bill Burr, he’s awesome).

 

PERSONALITY

1. pity party – no one’s coming, so don’t throw them.
2. one-sided favours – it’s nice to do something nice for someone but I’m still waiting on a thank you. Or reciprocation.
3. ugly inside – I don’t care how good-looking, well-groomed or gifted you are, if you’re a nasty person, shove off.
4. prejudice – just assume that everybody’s an a-hole sometimes and treat all people as they deserve because you’re no better than that special needs person, the albino and the one with a huge birthmark or acne on their face. Show some breeding, dammit.
5. bullying – if that’s the only way you can get someone to listen to you, don’t expect me to treat you decently in return. And don’t even think about bullying anyone in my family.
6. inconsiderate – clean up your own mess: flush after a dump, pick up items you’ve knocked off shelves or hangers, wash your dirty dishes, clean your crusty cheese off the sandwich press, throw away your rotting food in the work fridge, and fill the copier with paper when it runs out after your 100-page document has printed.

 

WORK

1. greeting – if I’m already in a room you’ve just entered, please feel free to greet. I apologise in advance if I don’t see or hear you.
2. arrogance – minus the talent, hard work, ethics or knowledge. Based purely on others blowing hot air up your asphalt. Bub-bye.
3. lying – I can smell BS a mile off, so don’t even waste your breath. And your fake smile? I’d rather have a dirty look than that. Please stick it where the sun don’ shine.
4. time-wasting – time is money, so don’t waste mine.
5. ageist remarks – your youth doesn’t automatically make you more valuable. So grow up. We might even learn something from each other.
6. verbal diarrhoea – no person should speak longer than 10 minutes at a time without allowing the audience to interject or at least take a pee break. Includes meetings, priests’s sermons, and the reprimanding of a child.
7. food-shaming – if i feel like a carb starter, carb main, and a carb dessert, washed down with a gallon of carb-y milkshake, please enjoy a warm shut-the-fu-cup on me.
8. body shaming – no body shape is more superior than the other but pardon me for having a mild case of schadenfreude when you come down with bubonic plague at the hint of a colleague’s sneeze while my kick-ass body keeps going strong.

 

LIFE

1. littering – cigarette butts, human/cat/dog faeces/nappies in public spaces, illegal dumping, condoms/broken bottles in parks/on pavements, and litter in the sea and on beaches.
2. abuse and rape of babies – the greatest gift any human can have is a child. If you abuse that gift you deserve the absolute worst. Includes senseless killing of animals, children and innocent humans. I hate you so much.
3. intolerance of LGBTQ – if consenting adults are making a positive contribution to society they should be welcomed. Mind your own sexual business.
4. smoking – enjoy your cancer stick, but do so in private. I find farting and hocking loogies fun, but I choose not to do so in public because I’m not a thoughtless turd. BTW stop smoking in cars with kids or with a baby on your lap, they didn’t ask to be born to morons.
5. noisy gatherings – if you HAVE to bring the party outside, at least offer the neighbours booze, cake or meat, and make sure your loud, drunken goodbyes are mildly entertaining.
6. corruption and greed – don’t expect support from me. Karma will get you.
7. plagiarism – at least acknowledge when you’ve ‘borrowed’ designs, words or concepts from someone else. They might even be flattered you cared to copy them.
8. shuffling – please lift your feet when you walk. I’m no lightweight, but I glide like a frickin’ wraith. Unless you’re over 70 and have earned the right to be exhausted. Or if you’re a zombie.

Drops mic.